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i did my essay but i didn’t get good scour for it

i will include my original BAD essay

and the 2 article i used as a source are linked ( 1…

2… )

and the essay formate

and the teacher notes

please follow the notes

please note to follow these steps

Step 1:In order to receive a new score, students must make significant improvements to the original graded draft and track these improvements. For example, additions to the draft should be underlined, whereas omissions to the draft should include a strikethrough. Step 2: must include a brief explanation in the submission comment describing what was revised and why.

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